10 Ways to Improve Your Relationship Without Your Partners Help

You have likely found your way to this article because you realize that something in your relationship has to change for you to experience the intimacy, connection, or communication you desire. Maybe you have tried subtly nudging your partner in the direction you would like them to go, or perhaps you have boldly declared what changes you are wanting to see. Change is not easy and you are not alone if you find that you and your partner are stuck and now you are wondering, how can I change my relationship without my partner's help? Here are 10 ways to take back your power and make the change you want to see!

1.    Gift your partner with 3 appreciations daily.

The most important thing I tell couples to do is to share more appreciations. Don’t underestimate how important it is to let your partner know what you love about them. Negativity is too easily the norm. We criticize, nit-pick, blame, and scrutinize, so it is vital to flip the script and spend time supporting, championing, encouraging, and appreciating our precious lovers. I suggest taking time to formally share 3 things that you appreciate about them every day. Formal includes eye contact, your undivided attention, and affection. Just think, then all other appreciations will be considered a bonus! #winning

2. Plan something fun to do together every week.

Have you ever found yourself in the monotony of your relationship, when finally you stop and realize that months have passed since you’ve laughed? Try planning a date night that will foster some fun! Having fun together increases feelings of intimacy and good will toward the relationship. These fun games will be certain to get you both LOLing: act out a scene from a rom-com (think “if you’re a bird, I’m a bird”), play twister naked, or try out the classic two truths and a lie and see how well you realllllly know each other. Before you know it you will both be crying happy tears!

3. Set boundaries and stick to them.

What is a boundary you ask? Examples include setting designated “me time” and maintaining privacy via not sharing passwords, journals, or trauma unless you want to or are ready to. Don’t be fooled, there is no reason to tell one person everything even if they are your person. Boundaries can seem blood-curdling and baffling in the beginning, but it doesn’t take long for them to benefit your boring bond. Okay okay, with all that Behind us, this fact remains…setting up boundaries in a relationship can be intimidating. But take it from a couples therapist, it’s so worth it. Poor boundaries breed resentments. Prioritize what you need to feel balanced in your relationship, then hold to it.

4. Pick one chore and consistently do it without expecting praise or recognition.

In the midst of a busy life, it is easy to overlook the importance of doing your part around the house. A clean and organized house fast tracks your sex life to extraordinary! I understand that the implementation of this can be stressful. So, just pick one task that you believe would make a difference in your home and do your best to stay on top of it. Just think, the dent that you will be making might inadvertently inspire your partner. At the very least, it will take some stress off of their plate, potentially leaving more time spent with you.

5. Take time to think positively about your partner and remember what makes you want to be with them.

If you are feeling negative emotions directed toward your partner, take the space you need to process. Where do the feelings come from? Do they remind you of anything you experienced in your past or childhood? Avoid engaging with your partner until you are able to in a positive manner. Try writing down 5 things you love about them. This will help you to release oxytocin, the love drug, and remind you all of the things that make your relationship oh so worth it! In no time you will have put yourself in a positive space to repair.

6. Practice putting yourself in their shoes.

One of the most important things you can do to improve your relationship is to have empathy for your partner. Often people are threatened by their partner not seeing things the same way as them. Remember that your bae has a completely different life experience than you. Imagine putting yourself into their shoes to better understand how they might feel. Share those feelings with your partner and give them a chance to say yea or nay in regards to if that is how they are feeling. Either way, you are showing your partner that their experience matters to you.

7. Listen to your partner.

Perhaps this sounds like the easiest thing on this list, but I implore you to think again! Yes, you might be the best listener to everyone else in your life, but often people have the most difficult time listening to their significant other. Our partners are the people that we yearn to be heard from more than anyone else. This makes it the most difficult to stop and hear them back. Remember, that listening to your partner builds trust and intimacy. So, bite your tongue and take the time to genuinely hear what they have to say. Before you respond, digest what they said. Ensure your understanding by asking clarifying questions, then validate their experience. Let them know that what they shared makes sense, even if you do not agree with it.

8. Gift your partner with physical intimacy or affection.

Consensual affection is often an important part of romantic relationships. This can come in many different forms. It might look like spontaneous sex on the kitchen counter. It could also be a friendly pat or an affectionate squeeze. Making your partner feel wanted lets them know they are special to you. Physical intimacy can also come in the form of letting your partner know what you plan to do to them later (with consent). Watch the tension and excitement mount throughout the day as you prepare to create a special moment between the two of you.

9. Make your partner feel important.

This can come in many forms. One easy way to make your partner feel important and valued is by looking your partner in the eyes when you are engaging. This will increase their feeling that you are being present with them and says they are worth your entire attention. Another idea is to give them a handwritten note with all of the reasons they matter to you. Try this and watch how quickly feelings of animosity melt away!

10. Take ownership of you.

Remember that your actions are just that, yours. Make sure that you are not blaming your partner for what you did because of how they made you feel. At the end of the day, it was your choice. And remember, it takes two to tango so always look for the ways that your behaviors contribute to a conflict. There is no point in pointing the finger. Look for what you can do to make the dynamic better. Handle your part and trust that your partner will handle theirs.

In conclusion…

For tips and tricks on how to implement these ideas and more, please reach out to me, Allison Middleton, LSW, for couples or individual therapy at allisonmiddleton.counseling@gmail.com

Qeer/LGBTQIA+ and heterosexual couples & individuals (more than) welcome.